The Road to CancerCon - Updated*

So my BFF decided we needed to commune with some other young, fly, and flashy cancer survivors. Consequently, she made contact with an organization called StupidCancer.  As a birthday gift, she arranged for us to go to an annual event they host called CancerCon. It's being held in Denver next week, April 24 - 26, and I have a lot of mixed feelings about going. I am glad to go support her and meet some other people who know first hand what it's like to have cancer as a young adult. I'm also nervous because, as we know I am a big ass crybaby a bit sensitive and  I'm afraid that I will spend the entire weekend sobbing over feelings that I thought I'd already worked through. I'm hopeful that I will get some new resources for fertility assistance. I'm sure the experience will be a good one. I will be sure to take pictures and share.

Ridiculously Late Update:

As promised, I took a lot of pictures. Unfortunately, they aren't here because I'm limiting how much I share to respect others' anonymity. I hope that's not too much of a bummer.
Overall CancerCon was a great experience. I thought I was going to support my BFF, but I found that I also needed some support. I met gaggles of awesome people, each with their own stories and triumphs. I am so glad I went and I'm excited to attend again in the future.

Gang Tattoos... Cancer Blues

So remember the clarity I mentioned praying for to make sense of my illness? It finally came. It isn't at all what I was expecting. My best friend has cancer. It's much more advanced than mine. That's as much as I'm willing to divulge here. Although her diagnosis came last summer, it's been presenting symptoms for several years.

I have been avoiding writing about it because I was scared she'd read it and be sad. If you are reading this and this is news to you, I promise to hunt you down and punch you in the face if you interrogate her about it. Everyone sees me and wants to talk about how she's doing. It's a challenge not to cry, but I would rather that they ask me instead of her because ultimately I end up having to comfort them. She shouldn't have to deal with that. Shit, I still deal with people bursting into tears when they learn about my own illness. It's really awkward.

I made peace with my own cancer when I was able to tell her some of what to expect with hers. In the strangest way possible, the small bit of comfort I'm able to give her when she asks questions makes my struggle worth it. I would be lying if I said my heart isn't broken. I refuse to not be there for her. She's my person. I can't let her down.

Double Penetration Pap Smears

Down to twice a year. Small wins!

We gotta stop meeting like this...

First I have word vomit on twitter about the stupid situatons I find myself in with XY chromosonal humans... And then God decides to use Google+ to talk to me... my only request is that next time he needs to +1 whoever this is so they are more readily identifiable...

Sex, knives, and Shaken Eight Balls

Reality is setting in and I am overwhelmed with a million emotions. There is never a moment in my life when I'm not horny... I'm a grown up an I can admit that. More than I want to dry hump the shit outta random strangers, I'm really sad. I think about being barren and what that will feel like. I will never feel a baby moving in my womb ever again. I won't get to nurse, or have morning sickness, or get excited about my baby bump growing. It's funny, pregnancy used to scare me. I had a plan; I would meet the man I had been waiting for, fall in love and have more babies. Now I think, if I meet this man, I won't be able to give him a baby. And I feel inadequate. I know two days from now I will wake up with a gaping hole in my heart. I will feel it inside and out. I wonder if the next man who sees me naked will be disgusted by my scar. Will I have to explain it? I desperately hope not. I wonder if I will ever be the same.

The Smell of Latex in the Morning

FYI... Having a sixty year old white haired Caucasian man you've just met shove his KY jelly covered finger up your ass is not as fun as it sounds... IMHO of course

Blasphemy

Why is this happening to me?

Incessant Noise

I... really... cannot... stop... thinking. I live in a perpetual state of over stimulation as it is. Coupled with the thought of someone tearing out my insides in a week I am way past all over the place. I want nothing more than to keep the parts of me they want to throw away. I stare at other people's children. Its really tough not to burst into tears when I see pregnant women. And everyone keeps telling me to be thankful that I already have a child... I don't wanna hear that shit. I'm a WOMAN and I wanna make babies. Aside from the fact that its my purpose in life, the sheer biology of being a female makes me feel this way and I can't stop it. And to boot this bitch mother nature has ruined my last week of normalcy. Like really??? This is some bullshit.

Sugar Plum Fairies Don't Dance in My Head

Not the sexiest thing in the world... or is it?

Juxoposed

The part of my body that’s supposed to give life, now threatens to kill me...

What's in a name?

You're now tuned into The Secret Life of Cees. Love that name??? There's a two fold reason for it. Firstly because Cee is one of my many aliases. And secondly because last week I was diagnosed with cervical cancer. I'm expected to fully recover but the news was quite a blow. I suppose its foreign to anyone when someone tells them they have a disease who's whole reason for being is to grow and spread and kill them. I decided to blog about my cancer mostly because its kind of hard to talk about. Everyone wants to know what's going on with me and although I am quite verbal I don't always feel like discussing the serious stuff. So now is as good of a time as any to give you a disclaimer about my writing. Sometimes it's more about me saying it than it is about you understanding it, thusly you may be confused by my posts. This is not a pity party, although I may say some things that make you cry. I generally do NOT mince words, and I'm known for my off color commentary so if you ask me anything I will give it to you as real as I know how. I want this to be an organic process so I'm not holding myself to any timelines. With that being said... talk to you soon!

-Cee