That Awkward Moment

Dating is hard. Dating post cancer is ever harder. Dating post cancer with infertility issues is like doing Chinese arithmetic. There's never a right time to bring up the big C. I tend to do it relatively early. Most guys take the news in stride. For whatever reason, surviving cancer makes me a superhero to a lot of men. They commence to telling me how strong I am. I kind of like it, but only after the fact. I never bank on getting that reaction.

The harder conversation is the one about infertility. My friends always complain that it's difficult to meet thirtysomething guys without kids. For whatever reason, I have the opposite issue. I meet men with no kids ALL THE DAMN TIME. It's not a relief to me to hear that a man does not have children. Most of them want to have some at some point. That's hard for me to reconcile. I feel like they would be losing out on the opportunity to procreate by entering into anything serious with me. If I'm being honest, I feel like they are settling to be with me instead of really having what they want. It's a lot to process.

Unlike cancer, I try to wait to bring up infertility. Talking about kids on a first date is really awkward. It's not any less awkward on a second date. Unfortunately, it tends to come up earlier than I want it to. When people find out that I already have a daughter, their next question is almost always, "Do you want more kids?" I never know how to answer. I don't know how to say yes without giving the ridiculously gloomy backstory. People never know how to react, especially on a date.

The other issue is, after I tell men that I'm infertile, I feel that they check out on the possibility of anything long term with me. Sure they're still physically attracted to me, but they don't see a future for themselves that excludes children or includes all the money and complicated procedures that would go into having kids with me. This is the thing that sucks the most. No woman wants to just be "something to do" for a guy; least of all me.

I suppose practice makes perfect, so I continue to put on my big girl panties and tell men the deal. I have to believe that at some point, it won't be as overwhelming and someone will be awesome enough to accept the challenge. In the meantime, I'll work on getting better at these uncomfortable ass conversations.

Double Penetration Pap Smears

Down to twice a year. Small wins!

Jake Gyllenhaal Creeps Me Out

Since Broke Back Mountain... but somehow I decided to Netflix 'Love and Other Drugs' anyway.

Two steps back... Although I've had some really fucked up shit happen to me in the past three decades, I still sorta believe in God. He talks to me. Don't get excited, I'm no Joan of Arc. Like I don't hear voices in my head or see Jesus on a muffin. Its more like there are things I need to hear and said "things" find a way of presenting themselves to me.

I pray.

I'm not sure if I do it like other people. Stevie would be proud. It's never, "God, please give me." It's more like Celie's, "Maybe you can give me a sign letting me know what is happening to me." God wouldn't be God if he never delivered. Clarity comes from the most random places. Maybe God has even chosen some of you to speak to me at some point or another. Probably when you don't even realize it, but I do and that's all that matters.

Anyway...

I feel some type of way. God allowed Cancer to take away my ability to reproduce. If all things work according to his will, I feel I'm owed a freakin explanation. So like always, I asked for it. Except this time he's keeping quiet and I'm pissed about it.

Fast forward

I am still sad very often. I was seeing a "heart doctor". I thought maybe he would use her, but no dice and I still cannot make sense of my illness. So I'm still miffed that I have no answer.

Back to our regularly scheduled program.

The other night I'm watching Jake Gyllenhal. He's at a Parkinson's support group with Anne Hathaway's character when this lady stands up and says,

"There are still good things... You are still you... And you're alive... And life is beautiful"

And I thought, "Thanks for letting me know you're still there God. I needed that"

Again with the KY Jelly?!?!?

So I went for the first of my quarterly pap smears. Yes I said quarterly... lucky me. It's actually less unpleasant than before. Mostly cause I don't think I have all the feeling back at the top of my vaginal canal. Well I take that back. The snap of latex is frightening. The good old 60 something gave me a double penetration again. Definitely was not looking forward to that shit. The ironic part is... before I went to the doctor I told my mom I hoped he wouldn't do it this time. Like what the hell is he checking for in there???? I have a fantasy in which I have a tramp stamp that says "EXIT ONLY" and when he comes near me I slap a big orange "VIOLATION" sticker on his forehead. Yeah but for real though... I hope this was the last time.

On the ever looming elephant...

I mean sincerely that I'm so happy for you, you, you, and you. But I'm not ready to RSVP to anybody's anything let alone a baby shower. I want the focus to be on you and not me. And since I'm nowhere near able to keep it together when I'm sad, my presence would be a bit much. I know that right now I can't handle buying you baby gifts or even seeing your collective bellies up close. I honestly don't know if I ever will be ready to. With much regret, I respectfully decline your invitations.

Love you all madly,

Cee

Your Blues ain't like mine

Sorry to keep everyone waiting. To tell the truth I'm still kind of out of it. I keep wondering if I will ever feel normal again. As of late I feel like a zombie... I meander. No real direction, no feeling; just moving, feeding, and taking up space. I guess I'm kind of a Debbie downer. When people ask me how I feel, I want to say... "broken" The next thing they say is, "pray about it". Ironically right now my relationship with God is on the rocks. I'm desperately trying to balance accepting the hand I've been dealt and not understanding why against staying faithful in my beliefs. I just feel like something good has to be coming, it just has to.

Utterly Useless Legal Jargon

My hysterectomy was the first time I had ever had major surgery. My father has had cancer surgery twice before so I kinda knew what to expect they day of. Two days prior I had to go to the hospital for my pre-op appointment. I wasn't sure what it would entail so I asked my "baby daddy" to go with. I needed him there so he could distract me just in case I turned into a blubbering mess. Mostly it was paperwork, a lot of instructions, a few x-rays, and they drew some blood. They asked me a bunch of questions about my medical history. The staff kept saying, "Wow you filled out those questions really quickly." To which I replied, "There's nothing wrong with me other than that I have cancer." The disclosures I had to sign were careful to mention all that could go awry while I would be under the knife, including the minor detail that I could die. I thought that other than signing in the day of I was done with legal forms. When I got there on the morning of my procedure I had to take off my clothes and the song and dance of finding a vein for my I.V. ensued. Although at this point I was scared shitless, I was still able to keep my composure. To my shock and awe these fuckers flop a clipboard down in front of me with a form that reads, "Acknowledgement of Sterilization". Maybe I'm super sensitive but, couldn't this part have been included in my paperwork two days earlier??? Furthermore, why do I even have to sign it? You have to have a womb to carry a baby and since they would be cutting mine out, why would I not know that I would be sterile? Needless to say I lost it at that point. I felt like I was signing away my womanhood. I understand that the hospital has to protect themselves but couldn't they find a more tactful way to present it? Insensitive assholes!

Lamentable at least

Unless you're under a rock, you know that entire east coast is covered in snow. And it is all for naught because I don't have the use of my vagina... this SUCKS!!!

Not that I could get laid while I'm being held captive at my parents house but having the option would have been nice

Gargoyle Flow

Cancer and surgery are fucking with my fly. As awesome as having the nurses give me sponge baths in the hospital sounds... apparently they overlooked the importance of lotioning my cot damn feet. Its so far gone that I basically begged my mom to buy me some vaseline so I could reverse the damage... It ain't hardly working. My Oncologist also failed to mention that slicing through a layer of my muscle would leave me with minimal feeling in my pelvis (no worries, my lady parts are still at one hundred) Since my bush is basically numb I'm scared to go anywhere near it with clippers or a razor. My dad says it will take a year to fully get the feeling back :( My balance is not good enough to shave my legs so and I'm feeling like a wolf. I did, however make it to the salon to get my hair washed... after three weeks... my hair was so funky I could not stand it, but Jlo hooked me up.

I said all that to say that I am currently accepting gift certificates to Spa Phoenix :)

Sex, knives, and Shaken Eight Balls

Reality is setting in and I am overwhelmed with a million emotions. There is never a moment in my life when I'm not horny... I'm a grown up an I can admit that. More than I want to dry hump the shit outta random strangers, I'm really sad. I think about being barren and what that will feel like. I will never feel a baby moving in my womb ever again. I won't get to nurse, or have morning sickness, or get excited about my baby bump growing. It's funny, pregnancy used to scare me. I had a plan; I would meet the man I had been waiting for, fall in love and have more babies. Now I think, if I meet this man, I won't be able to give him a baby. And I feel inadequate. I know two days from now I will wake up with a gaping hole in my heart. I will feel it inside and out. I wonder if the next man who sees me naked will be disgusted by my scar. Will I have to explain it? I desperately hope not. I wonder if I will ever be the same.

The Silver Lining to My Cloud

The Silver Lining to My Cloud from Cee Leezy on Vimeo.

The Smell of Latex in the Morning

FYI... Having a sixty year old white haired Caucasian man you've just met shove his KY jelly covered finger up your ass is not as fun as it sounds... IMHO of course

Blasphemy

Why is this happening to me?

Incessant Noise

I... really... cannot... stop... thinking. I live in a perpetual state of over stimulation as it is. Coupled with the thought of someone tearing out my insides in a week I am way past all over the place. I want nothing more than to keep the parts of me they want to throw away. I stare at other people's children. Its really tough not to burst into tears when I see pregnant women. And everyone keeps telling me to be thankful that I already have a child... I don't wanna hear that shit. I'm a WOMAN and I wanna make babies. Aside from the fact that its my purpose in life, the sheer biology of being a female makes me feel this way and I can't stop it. And to boot this bitch mother nature has ruined my last week of normalcy. Like really??? This is some bullshit.

Sugar Plum Fairies Don't Dance in My Head

Not the sexiest thing in the world... or is it?

Juxoposed

The part of my body that’s supposed to give life, now threatens to kill me...

What's in a name?

You're now tuned into The Secret Life of Cees. Love that name??? There's a two fold reason for it. Firstly because Cee is one of my many aliases. And secondly because last week I was diagnosed with cervical cancer. I'm expected to fully recover but the news was quite a blow. I suppose its foreign to anyone when someone tells them they have a disease who's whole reason for being is to grow and spread and kill them. I decided to blog about my cancer mostly because its kind of hard to talk about. Everyone wants to know what's going on with me and although I am quite verbal I don't always feel like discussing the serious stuff. So now is as good of a time as any to give you a disclaimer about my writing. Sometimes it's more about me saying it than it is about you understanding it, thusly you may be confused by my posts. This is not a pity party, although I may say some things that make you cry. I generally do NOT mince words, and I'm known for my off color commentary so if you ask me anything I will give it to you as real as I know how. I want this to be an organic process so I'm not holding myself to any timelines. With that being said... talk to you soon!

-Cee