That Awkward Moment

Dating is hard. Dating post cancer is ever harder. Dating post cancer with infertility issues is like doing Chinese arithmetic. There's never a right time to bring up the big C. I tend to do it relatively early. Most guys take the news in stride. For whatever reason, surviving cancer makes me a superhero to a lot of men. They commence to telling me how strong I am. I kind of like it, but only after the fact. I never bank on getting that reaction.

The harder conversation is the one about infertility. My friends always complain that it's difficult to meet thirtysomething guys without kids. For whatever reason, I have the opposite issue. I meet men with no kids ALL THE DAMN TIME. It's not a relief to me to hear that a man does not have children. Most of them want to have some at some point. That's hard for me to reconcile. I feel like they would be losing out on the opportunity to procreate by entering into anything serious with me. If I'm being honest, I feel like they are settling to be with me instead of really having what they want. It's a lot to process.

Unlike cancer, I try to wait to bring up infertility. Talking about kids on a first date is really awkward. It's not any less awkward on a second date. Unfortunately, it tends to come up earlier than I want it to. When people find out that I already have a daughter, their next question is almost always, "Do you want more kids?" I never know how to answer. I don't know how to say yes without giving the ridiculously gloomy backstory. People never know how to react, especially on a date.

The other issue is, after I tell men that I'm infertile, I feel that they check out on the possibility of anything long term with me. Sure they're still physically attracted to me, but they don't see a future for themselves that excludes children or includes all the money and complicated procedures that would go into having kids with me. This is the thing that sucks the most. No woman wants to just be "something to do" for a guy; least of all me.

I suppose practice makes perfect, so I continue to put on my big girl panties and tell men the deal. I have to believe that at some point, it won't be as overwhelming and someone will be awesome enough to accept the challenge. In the meantime, I'll work on getting better at these uncomfortable ass conversations.

Procreation Procrastination

My birthday is coming up. With its passing I'll be one year out from advanced maternal age. If you don't already know how old that is, I'm not about to tell your nosey ass. LOL. I am logical to a fault and I thought, if I'm gonna make this fertility preservation thing happen I should get the ball rolling before I age myself out of having a viable chance at it. Initially, I thought maybe I would have a mate by now and I wouldn't be left to figure all this out on my own. But you know what they say happens when you make plans.

I thought I had worked through my feelings about infertility... until I started reading. Supposedly, there's so many programs to help with fertility for cancer survivors. What I didn't realize it that they are mostly geared toward adolescent and married women without children; two groups to which I do not belong. I also did not realize that freezing your eggs to produce children  is a relatively new process. Apparently the pioneers in this field only have about a thousand births under their belt. My best bet would be to freeze an embryo, but since I don't have a paternal candidate, my options are obviously limited.

The fertility for cancer programs do not provide assistance if health insurance is willing to pay for any portion of the process. Logically, the first place I started was with my insurance. Lots of my co-workers have done cycles for in vitro fertilization with the help of our insurance. Since egg harvesting is part of that process, it's not a stretch to think that they may assist me with fertility preservation.

You would think that people who work in women's health would be sensitive to someone like me, but no. I spoke to a female call center agent to whom I explained my situation. I told her that I had lost my uterus to cancer, that I still had my ovaries, and I wanted to see if they could assist me with harvesting and preserving some of my eggs. She proceeded to coldly ask me a battery of questions. She wanted to know the first day of my last period. When I told her I hadn't had a uterus period in over four years, it didn't seem absurd at all to her to expect me to remember the date. I know it was at the end of November in 2010, because the stress of my upcoming surgery caused me to start my period early and royally fucked up the prospect of me getting laid beforehand. I'm not sure what the hell difference it makes FOUR FUCKING YEARS LATER, but I guess she has a job to do.

After she asked me a bunch of other uncomfortable questions, she was careful to inform me that my case would need to be closed if I became pregnant. Excuse me?!? I tried to stay calm and asked her what she meant by become pregnant. Instead of clarifying, she sighed and repeated herself rather quickly as though I was an idiot for not understanding. I attempted to clarify my question to this simple bitch because I had already told her dumb ass... I DON'T HAVE A COT DAMN UTERUS. I asked her if she meant when the egg freezing process was complete, or when my surrogate became pregnant. She was silent for a second, then repeated herself. I explained to her that I was confused by her statement because there is no possible way that I would "become pregnant" naturally or as a result of this process. She glazed over my statement like I hadn't even said it and ended the call.

I hung up the phone and cried for the better part of an hour. That exchange really knocked the wind out of my sails. I know that I have a letter from my insurance company in a pile of mail from my mother's house. I'm terrified to open it and possibly see that they denied my benefits. I'm trying to psyche myself up. It ain't hardly working.

Double Penetration Pap Smears

Down to twice a year. Small wins!

Your Blues ain't like mine

Sorry to keep everyone waiting. To tell the truth I'm still kind of out of it. I keep wondering if I will ever feel normal again. As of late I feel like a zombie... I meander. No real direction, no feeling; just moving, feeding, and taking up space. I guess I'm kind of a Debbie downer. When people ask me how I feel, I want to say... "broken" The next thing they say is, "pray about it". Ironically right now my relationship with God is on the rocks. I'm desperately trying to balance accepting the hand I've been dealt and not understanding why against staying faithful in my beliefs. I just feel like something good has to be coming, it just has to.

I wanna talk to Paulie

I'm kinda pissed off at a conversation I had last week. I'll explain... I work for a bank. Needless to say, this is not the best industry to be in at the moment but I'm not in a position to change jobs right now so it is what it is. My employer has done everything under the sun including huge layoffs to stay afloat in this market. I'm not so opposed to the idea of rolling up my sleeves and doing my part in the rough times but I'm really sick of hearing "You should be thankful you have a job." Mostly because that statement makes me feel like I'm not valued. I digress; when the economy came tumbling down and I was being encouraged to "do more with less" I did not think that I would have to sacrifice my health. We changed short term disability insurance providers last year and at the time I did not think much of it. When I called they seemed pleasant and I guess I was satisfied with their service, until I got a call from my boss. He told me my claim was approved through December 31st. I was thoroughly confused because that was only four weeks of leave that they agreed to pay for and my doctor had previously advised me that it would take six weeks for me to completely heal. How the hell am I supposed to work if I'm not back to normal??? I have nerve damage and my reflexes are not normal so I'm not able to drive, this sounds like a pretty damn good reason for me to stay out on leave. I mean really. When I explained this to the insurance company, my caseworker acted as if I was not telling the truth and kept talking in circles about how much leave I am entitled to. I don't think the bottom line should be a factor in my healing process. But I guess that's how employers determine your value.

Utterly Useless Legal Jargon

My hysterectomy was the first time I had ever had major surgery. My father has had cancer surgery twice before so I kinda knew what to expect they day of. Two days prior I had to go to the hospital for my pre-op appointment. I wasn't sure what it would entail so I asked my "baby daddy" to go with. I needed him there so he could distract me just in case I turned into a blubbering mess. Mostly it was paperwork, a lot of instructions, a few x-rays, and they drew some blood. They asked me a bunch of questions about my medical history. The staff kept saying, "Wow you filled out those questions really quickly." To which I replied, "There's nothing wrong with me other than that I have cancer." The disclosures I had to sign were careful to mention all that could go awry while I would be under the knife, including the minor detail that I could die. I thought that other than signing in the day of I was done with legal forms. When I got there on the morning of my procedure I had to take off my clothes and the song and dance of finding a vein for my I.V. ensued. Although at this point I was scared shitless, I was still able to keep my composure. To my shock and awe these fuckers flop a clipboard down in front of me with a form that reads, "Acknowledgement of Sterilization". Maybe I'm super sensitive but, couldn't this part have been included in my paperwork two days earlier??? Furthermore, why do I even have to sign it? You have to have a womb to carry a baby and since they would be cutting mine out, why would I not know that I would be sterile? Needless to say I lost it at that point. I felt like I was signing away my womanhood. I understand that the hospital has to protect themselves but couldn't they find a more tactful way to present it? Insensitive assholes!

Lamentable at least

Unless you're under a rock, you know that entire east coast is covered in snow. And it is all for naught because I don't have the use of my vagina... this SUCKS!!!

Not that I could get laid while I'm being held captive at my parents house but having the option would have been nice

Gargoyle Flow

Cancer and surgery are fucking with my fly. As awesome as having the nurses give me sponge baths in the hospital sounds... apparently they overlooked the importance of lotioning my cot damn feet. Its so far gone that I basically begged my mom to buy me some vaseline so I could reverse the damage... It ain't hardly working. My Oncologist also failed to mention that slicing through a layer of my muscle would leave me with minimal feeling in my pelvis (no worries, my lady parts are still at one hundred) Since my bush is basically numb I'm scared to go anywhere near it with clippers or a razor. My dad says it will take a year to fully get the feeling back :( My balance is not good enough to shave my legs so and I'm feeling like a wolf. I did, however make it to the salon to get my hair washed... after three weeks... my hair was so funky I could not stand it, but Jlo hooked me up.

I said all that to say that I am currently accepting gift certificates to Spa Phoenix :)

The Smell of Latex in the Morning

FYI... Having a sixty year old white haired Caucasian man you've just met shove his KY jelly covered finger up your ass is not as fun as it sounds... IMHO of course

Incessant Noise

I... really... cannot... stop... thinking. I live in a perpetual state of over stimulation as it is. Coupled with the thought of someone tearing out my insides in a week I am way past all over the place. I want nothing more than to keep the parts of me they want to throw away. I stare at other people's children. Its really tough not to burst into tears when I see pregnant women. And everyone keeps telling me to be thankful that I already have a child... I don't wanna hear that shit. I'm a WOMAN and I wanna make babies. Aside from the fact that its my purpose in life, the sheer biology of being a female makes me feel this way and I can't stop it. And to boot this bitch mother nature has ruined my last week of normalcy. Like really??? This is some bullshit.

Sugar Plum Fairies Don't Dance in My Head

Not the sexiest thing in the world... or is it?

Juxoposed

The part of my body that’s supposed to give life, now threatens to kill me...