That Awkward Moment

Dating is hard. Dating post cancer is ever harder. Dating post cancer with infertility issues is like doing Chinese arithmetic. There's never a right time to bring up the big C. I tend to do it relatively early. Most guys take the news in stride. For whatever reason, surviving cancer makes me a superhero to a lot of men. They commence to telling me how strong I am. I kind of like it, but only after the fact. I never bank on getting that reaction.

The harder conversation is the one about infertility. My friends always complain that it's difficult to meet thirtysomething guys without kids. For whatever reason, I have the opposite issue. I meet men with no kids ALL THE DAMN TIME. It's not a relief to me to hear that a man does not have children. Most of them want to have some at some point. That's hard for me to reconcile. I feel like they would be losing out on the opportunity to procreate by entering into anything serious with me. If I'm being honest, I feel like they are settling to be with me instead of really having what they want. It's a lot to process.

Unlike cancer, I try to wait to bring up infertility. Talking about kids on a first date is really awkward. It's not any less awkward on a second date. Unfortunately, it tends to come up earlier than I want it to. When people find out that I already have a daughter, their next question is almost always, "Do you want more kids?" I never know how to answer. I don't know how to say yes without giving the ridiculously gloomy backstory. People never know how to react, especially on a date.

The other issue is, after I tell men that I'm infertile, I feel that they check out on the possibility of anything long term with me. Sure they're still physically attracted to me, but they don't see a future for themselves that excludes children or includes all the money and complicated procedures that would go into having kids with me. This is the thing that sucks the most. No woman wants to just be "something to do" for a guy; least of all me.

I suppose practice makes perfect, so I continue to put on my big girl panties and tell men the deal. I have to believe that at some point, it won't be as overwhelming and someone will be awesome enough to accept the challenge. In the meantime, I'll work on getting better at these uncomfortable ass conversations.

Procreation Procrastination

My birthday is coming up. With its passing I'll be one year out from advanced maternal age. If you don't already know how old that is, I'm not about to tell your nosey ass. LOL. I am logical to a fault and I thought, if I'm gonna make this fertility preservation thing happen I should get the ball rolling before I age myself out of having a viable chance at it. Initially, I thought maybe I would have a mate by now and I wouldn't be left to figure all this out on my own. But you know what they say happens when you make plans.

I thought I had worked through my feelings about infertility... until I started reading. Supposedly, there's so many programs to help with fertility for cancer survivors. What I didn't realize it that they are mostly geared toward adolescent and married women without children; two groups to which I do not belong. I also did not realize that freezing your eggs to produce children  is a relatively new process. Apparently the pioneers in this field only have about a thousand births under their belt. My best bet would be to freeze an embryo, but since I don't have a paternal candidate, my options are obviously limited.

The fertility for cancer programs do not provide assistance if health insurance is willing to pay for any portion of the process. Logically, the first place I started was with my insurance. Lots of my co-workers have done cycles for in vitro fertilization with the help of our insurance. Since egg harvesting is part of that process, it's not a stretch to think that they may assist me with fertility preservation.

You would think that people who work in women's health would be sensitive to someone like me, but no. I spoke to a female call center agent to whom I explained my situation. I told her that I had lost my uterus to cancer, that I still had my ovaries, and I wanted to see if they could assist me with harvesting and preserving some of my eggs. She proceeded to coldly ask me a battery of questions. She wanted to know the first day of my last period. When I told her I hadn't had a uterus period in over four years, it didn't seem absurd at all to her to expect me to remember the date. I know it was at the end of November in 2010, because the stress of my upcoming surgery caused me to start my period early and royally fucked up the prospect of me getting laid beforehand. I'm not sure what the hell difference it makes FOUR FUCKING YEARS LATER, but I guess she has a job to do.

After she asked me a bunch of other uncomfortable questions, she was careful to inform me that my case would need to be closed if I became pregnant. Excuse me?!? I tried to stay calm and asked her what she meant by become pregnant. Instead of clarifying, she sighed and repeated herself rather quickly as though I was an idiot for not understanding. I attempted to clarify my question to this simple bitch because I had already told her dumb ass... I DON'T HAVE A COT DAMN UTERUS. I asked her if she meant when the egg freezing process was complete, or when my surrogate became pregnant. She was silent for a second, then repeated herself. I explained to her that I was confused by her statement because there is no possible way that I would "become pregnant" naturally or as a result of this process. She glazed over my statement like I hadn't even said it and ended the call.

I hung up the phone and cried for the better part of an hour. That exchange really knocked the wind out of my sails. I know that I have a letter from my insurance company in a pile of mail from my mother's house. I'm terrified to open it and possibly see that they denied my benefits. I'm trying to psyche myself up. It ain't hardly working.

We gotta stop meeting like this...

First I have word vomit on twitter about the stupid situatons I find myself in with XY chromosonal humans... And then God decides to use Google+ to talk to me... my only request is that next time he needs to +1 whoever this is so they are more readily identifiable...

Sometimes I surprise myself...

For every bit of outward strength I have, internally I’m twice as fragile. I am analytical to a fault. I spend a ridiculous amount of time playing out scenarios in my head. Maybe its my way of trying to maintain a level of control. If I’m being honest with myself... it’s a neurotic quirk. A year ago these scenarios involved how I would feel if I were ever faced with certain fears. I am a self admitted cry baby. Strangely enough when I say that to some people they have a hard time believing it. I imagine myself not being able to handle certain situations. One that I was particularly afraid of was having to face the possibility that someone would care for me but not be able to accept that I can’t give them a child. At a certain point I had convinced myself that I was all worked up over nothing... until it happened. To my own amazement I handled it pretty well. I didn’t cry, I didn’t get sad; I just told them, “Life is short... if you want a child, you should have one... and I can’t do that for you... and that’s fine” I suppose that retort was smug. Maybe because I couldn’t imagine myself with this person long term. I suppose if I was in love (ha! imagine that) that conversation would have gone differently. Although a bit more tearful, I think my response would be the same. Who knows... but for now, I’m patting myself on the back for being a big girl.

That's my story...and I'm sticking to it

I am alive

I am going to live

I am lovable

I am going to love

I do what I want

fight me

Incessant Noise

I... really... cannot... stop... thinking. I live in a perpetual state of over stimulation as it is. Coupled with the thought of someone tearing out my insides in a week I am way past all over the place. I want nothing more than to keep the parts of me they want to throw away. I stare at other people's children. Its really tough not to burst into tears when I see pregnant women. And everyone keeps telling me to be thankful that I already have a child... I don't wanna hear that shit. I'm a WOMAN and I wanna make babies. Aside from the fact that its my purpose in life, the sheer biology of being a female makes me feel this way and I can't stop it. And to boot this bitch mother nature has ruined my last week of normalcy. Like really??? This is some bullshit.