So the hard part is over... surprisingly my body is healing much more slowly than my heart. I'm not ashamed to admit that part of my decision to have a child was because I wanted a love of my own. I'll explain... I was once much more open to the possibilities of romantic love. After living and hurting a bit more I decided that none of what I thought was reciprocity was real. I knew that I would never have to question the love of a child and that I would finally have something unconditional. So I had the most beautiful baby anyone could ask for and I thought that was all I would ever need. The past week of my life has taught me that I could not have been more wrong. I had such a huge paradigm shift that I wonder if this is the lesson I was suposed to learn. The hole that was left in my body has been filled ten fold with the love of my family and friends in my heart. I keep spilling over with tears because I know that my loving is not in vain. If I never fall in love with another man... I know that I don't have to have another baby to feel something real... it was there all the time... I was just looking in the wrong places for it.