Sometimes I surprise myself...

For every bit of outward strength I have, internally I’m twice as fragile. I am analytical to a fault. I spend a ridiculous amount of time playing out scenarios in my head. Maybe its my way of trying to maintain a level of control. If I’m being honest with myself... it’s a neurotic quirk. A year ago these scenarios involved how I would feel if I were ever faced with certain fears. I am a self admitted cry baby. Strangely enough when I say that to some people they have a hard time believing it. I imagine myself not being able to handle certain situations. One that I was particularly afraid of was having to face the possibility that someone would care for me but not be able to accept that I can’t give them a child. At a certain point I had convinced myself that I was all worked up over nothing... until it happened. To my own amazement I handled it pretty well. I didn’t cry, I didn’t get sad; I just told them, “Life is short... if you want a child, you should have one... and I can’t do that for you... and that’s fine” I suppose that retort was smug. Maybe because I couldn’t imagine myself with this person long term. I suppose if I was in love (ha! imagine that) that conversation would have gone differently. Although a bit more tearful, I think my response would be the same. Who knows... but for now, I’m patting myself on the back for being a big girl.