Jake Gyllenhaal Creeps Me Out

Since Broke Back Mountain... but somehow I decided to Netflix 'Love and Other Drugs' anyway.

Two steps back... Although I've had some really fucked up shit happen to me in the past three decades, I still sorta believe in God. He talks to me. Don't get excited, I'm no Joan of Arc. Like I don't hear voices in my head or see Jesus on a muffin. Its more like there are things I need to hear and said "things" find a way of presenting themselves to me.

I pray.

I'm not sure if I do it like other people. Stevie would be proud. It's never, "God, please give me." It's more like Celie's, "Maybe you can give me a sign letting me know what is happening to me." God wouldn't be God if he never delivered. Clarity comes from the most random places. Maybe God has even chosen some of you to speak to me at some point or another. Probably when you don't even realize it, but I do and that's all that matters.

Anyway...

I feel some type of way. God allowed Cancer to take away my ability to reproduce. If all things work according to his will, I feel I'm owed a freakin explanation. So like always, I asked for it. Except this time he's keeping quiet and I'm pissed about it.

Fast forward

I am still sad very often. I was seeing a "heart doctor". I thought maybe he would use her, but no dice and I still cannot make sense of my illness. So I'm still miffed that I have no answer.

Back to our regularly scheduled program.

The other night I'm watching Jake Gyllenhal. He's at a Parkinson's support group with Anne Hathaway's character when this lady stands up and says,

"There are still good things... You are still you... And you're alive... And life is beautiful"

And I thought, "Thanks for letting me know you're still there God. I needed that"