The Secret Life of Cees

It's gotta be the shoes

2011-10-02T00:48:00.000-04:00

Aimlessly worn and weathered as I walk my path. There is a refrain I cannot ignore. I did not ask for this. Although someone who loves me says I chose poorly. I'm not sure how to process that assertion. I do know that I will not accept that I somehow caused this... I love... I will not apologize for it... and I'm nothing like Ms. Darling...

Jake Gyllenhal creeps me out

2011-08-07T06:07:00.002-04:00

Since Broke Back Mountain... but somehow I decided to NetFlix 'Love and Other Drugs' anyway.

Two steps back... Although I've had some really fucked up shit happen to me in the past three decades, I still sorta believe in God. He talks to me. Don't get excited, I'm no Joan of Arc. Like I don't hear voices in my head or see Jesus on a muffin. Its more like there are things I need to hear and said "things" find a way of presenting themselves to me.

I pray

But I'm not sure if I do it like other people. Stevie would be proud, its never "God, please give me". More like Celie "Maybe you can give me a sign letting me know what is happening to me" God wouldn't be God if he never delivered. And I mean he's quicker than Pizza Hut. Clarity comes from the most random places. Maybe God has even chosen some of you to speak to me at some point or another. Probably when you don't even realize it. But I do... and thats all that matters.

Anyway doh (Kat Stacks voice)

I feel some type of way. God allowed Cancer to take away my ability to reproduce. If all things work according to his will... I feel I'm owed a freakin explanation. So like always I asked for it. Except this time he's keeping quiet. And I'm pissed about it.

Fast Forward

I am still sad very often. I was seeing a "Heart Doctor". I thought maybe he would use her but... no dice. And I still cannot make sense of my illness. So I'm still miffed I have no answer.

Back to our regularly scheduled program

The other night I'm watching the Jake Gyllenhal, and he's at a Parkinson's support group with Anne Hathaway's chrarcter. And this lady stands up and says

"There are still good things... You are still you... And you're alive... And life is beautiful"

And I thought, "Thanks for letting me know you're still there God... I needed that"

Genius Envy.... the credits are the best part

2011-06-17T02:48:00.000-04:00

Seems the wisdom of man hasn't got much wiser
Than the very beginning of our time
Agree or war has been our way of compromising
Let live and love has become our biggest lie

Seems to me that fools are even more foolish
Thinking of themselves and nobody else
But then if asked for poor will riches be replenished
They say boot straps must be pulled up by themselves

Feeding off the love of the land
Leaving much to be desired

Living off the love of the Lord
While the price for life is higher

Isn't love to be admired
Has the good in man expired
Stealing all the love and the beauty from the land

I awake each morning to the birds a-singing
Singing out to God to come and save his own

But when throughout the world the cry of love is ringing
Is then when He'll stop to hear our song

Did you know that when you feel the earth a-shaken
It's only mother nature with a crying heart
You see we have taken from her for so many ages
Will there be a time when taking stops and giving starts

'Cause we're feeding off the love of the land
Leaving much to be desired

Living off the love of the Lord
While the price for life is higher

Isn't love to be admired
Has the good in man expired
Stealing all the love and the beauty from the land

Yes we are feeding off the love of the land
Never hearing what He's saying

Living off the love of the Lord
Never feeling what you're praying

Never praising Him for beauty
Only praying God please give me

Stealing all the love and the beauty from the land
Stealing all the love and the beauty from His land

Again with the KY Jelly?!?!?

2011-03-30T01:38:00.000-04:00

So I went for the first of my quarterly pap smears. Yes I said quarterly... lucky me. It's actually less unpleasant than before. Mostly cause I don't think I have all the feeling back at the top of my vaginal canal. Well I take that back. The snap of latex is frightening. The good old 60 something gave me a double penetration again. Definitely was not looking forward to that shit. The ironic part is... before I went to the doctor I told my mom I hoped he wouldn't do it this time. Like what the hell is he checking for in there???? I have a fantasy in which I have a tramp stamp that says "EXIT ONLY" and when he comes near me I slap a big orange "VIOLATION" sticker on his forehead. Yeah but for real though... I hope this was the last time.

Simba's mean mean uncle

2011-03-30T01:23:00.000-04:00

I have a keloid... I'm uber sad about it. So for the eleven dollars I spent and the hope I had of minimal residual noticeability I say... Fuck you Bio Oil you're a cot damn LIAR!!!

From just outside the window

2011-03-17T00:36:00.001-04:00

I got an email yesterday at work. It's content was saddening and the challenges therein dwarfed my personal sadness. In my tenure with my present employer at least three of my co-workers have died from cancer. They were all fairly young and when they passed it was a big deal. I'm not good with funerals and I did not attend any of theirs. People were sad about it for a time then as always they moved on. A while back another collegue of mine got some bad news. In November of 2009, David was diagnosed with Advanced Renal Cell Carcinoma. This scared me really bad because this is the same kind of cancer my father had (the first time). His cancer originated on his left kidney and spread to his brain, lungs, liver and most recently, his legs. The email said that it had reached stage IV. I learned the same day that David has also decided to blog about his cancer. www.dpickens.com I read it for a bit and this passage stuck out for me,

"My doctors have agreed that the prognosis at this point is anywhere from a few weeks to a few months. When I was originally diagnosed, I was told one year but I have beat that mark and I'll beat this one as well."

Then I wondered how he must feel hearing that he would meet his demise at the hands of this God awful illness. I decided that if he can be optimistic knowing that he has a short while to live... I should try approaching a half full glass with the aftermath of my cancer. Easier said than done... that being said I start therapy to cure my blues next week.

With every worthless word...

2011-02-20T21:33:00.000-05:00

I wonder what would happen if I swallowed a watermelon seed. Could I forget the place where love grew and the pain it has caused me. Could I see fingertips on my skin and not want to run. Then I might stop pretending I feel it. Probably not the smartest thing. And its not the same. Maybe the familiar feeling of nausea would come again and I could stop doing things I know are pointless. I can't tell you how right feels. It never used to hurt before. No, that's a lie. It always did. Wrong is different; more recognizable and the thing you don't talk about. The space is there. I just don't know what to fill it with. And I'm not in the mood to try on new clothes.

On the ever looming elephant...

2011-02-02T21:59:00.002-05:00

I mean sincerely that I'm so happy for you, you, you, and you. But I'm not ready to RSVP to anybody's anything let alone a baby shower. I want the focus to be on you and not me. And since I'm nowhere near able to keep it together when I'm sad, my presence would be a bit much. I know that right now I can't handle buying you baby gifts or even seeing your collective bellies up close. I honestly don't know if I ever will be ready to. With much regret, I respectfully decline your invitations.

Love you all madly,

Cee

Your Blues ain't like mine

2011-01-30T21:18:00.000-05:00

Sorry to keep everyone waiting. To tell the truth I'm still kind of out of it. I keep wondering if I will ever feel normal again. As of late I feel like a zombie... I meander. No real direction, no feeling; just moving, feeding, and taking up space. I guess I'm kind of a Debbie downer. When people ask me how I feel, I want to say... "broken" The next thing they say is, "pray about it". Ironically right now my relationship with God is on the rocks. I'm desperately trying to balance accepting the hand I've been dealt and not understanding why against staying faithful in my beliefs. I just feel like something good has to be coming, it just has to.

And her name shall be called Moon Child

2011-01-08T03:09:00.002-05:00

My name is not Bastian
I'm not hiding
I do not read fiction

The nothing approaches

My name is not Atreyu
I am not a great warrior
I don't ride a horse named Artax
Auryn cannot protect me

I am in the Swamps of Sadness
The nothing approaches

I don't have a flying luck dragon
I cannot brave the sphinxes
Bastian does not appear in the mirror

The human child is my only hope
The nothing approaches

I will not defeat Gmork
He cannot carry me on his back
I cannot navigate the emptiness
I won't find the Ivory tower

I must save the childlike Empress
The nothing approaches

I've never been to Fantasia

From Australia with Love

2011-01-05T10:58:00.002-05:00

I feel the love from waaaaay across the pond... much sexier than a pic of a kangaroo :)

I wanna talk to Paulie

2011-01-04T02:44:00.000-05:00

I'm kinda pissed off at a conversation I had last week. I'll explain... I work for a bank. Needless to say, this is not the best industry to be in at the moment but I'm not in a position to change jobs right now so it is what it is. My employer has done everything under the sun including huge layoffs to stay afloat in this market. I'm not so opposed to the idea of rolling up my sleeves and doing my part in the rough times but I'm really sick of hearing "You should be thankful you have a job." Mostly because that statement makes me feel like I'm not valued. I digress; when the economy came tumbling down and I was being encouraged to "do more with less" I did not think that I would have to sacrifice my health. We changed short term disability insurance providers last year and at the time I did not think much of it. When I called they seemed pleasant and I guess I was satisfied with their service, until I got a call from my boss. He told me my claim was approved through December 31st. I was thoroughly confused because that was only four weeks of leave that they agreed to pay for and my doctor had previously advised me that it would take six weeks for me to completely heal. How the hell am I supposed to work if I'm not back to normal??? I have nerve damage and my reflexes are not normal so I'm not able to drive, this sounds like a pretty damn good reason for me to stay out on leave. I mean really. When I explained this to the insurance company, my caseworker acted as if I was not telling the truth and kept talking in circles about how much leave I am entitled to. I don't think the bottom line should be a factor in my healing process. But I guess that's how employers determine your value.

Utterly Useless Legal Jargon

2010-12-27T16:32:00.002-05:00

My hysterectomy was the first time I had ever had major surgery. My father has had cancer surgery twice before so I kinda knew what to expect they day of. Two days prior I had to go to the hospital for my pre-op appointment. I wasn't sure what it would entail so I asked my "baby daddy" to go with. I needed him there so he could distract me just in case I turned into a blubbering mess. Mostly it was paperwork, a lot of instructions, a few x-rays, and they drew some blood. They asked me a bunch of questions about my medical history. The staff kept saying, "Wow you filled out those questions really quickly." To which I replied, "There's nothing wrong with me other than that I have cancer." The disclosures I had to sign were careful to mention all that could go awry while I would be under the knife, including the minor detail that I could die. I thought that other than signing in the day of I was done with legal forms. When I got there on the morning of my procedure I had to take off my clothes and the song and dance of finding a vein for my I.V. ensued. Although at this point I was scared shitless, I was still able to keep my composure. To my shock and awe these fuckers flop a clipboard down in front of me with a form that reads, "Acknowledgement of Sterilization". Maybe I'm super sensitive but, couldn't this part have been included in my paperwork two days earlier??? Furthermore, why do I even have to sign it? You have to have a womb to carry a baby and since they would be cutting mine out, why would I not know that I would be sterile? Needless to say I lost it at that point. I felt like I was signing away my womanhood. I understand that the hospital has to protect themselves but couldn't they find a more tactful way to present it? Insensitive assholes!

Lamentable at least

2010-12-26T23:14:00.011-05:00

Unless you're under a rock, you know that entire east coast is covered in snow. And it is all for not because I don't have the use of my vagina... this SUCKS!!!

Not that I could get laid while I'm being held captive at my parents house but having the option would have been nice

Gargoyle Flow

2010-12-22T15:06:00.000-05:00

Cancer and surgery are fucking with my fly. As awesome as having the nurses give me sponge baths in the hospital sounds... apparently they overlooked the importance of lotioning my cot damn feet. Its so far gone that I basically begged my mom to buy me some vaseline so I could reverse the damage... It ain't hardly working. My Oncologist also failed to mention that slicing through a layer of my muscle would leave me with minimal feeling in my pelvis (no worries, my lady parts are still at one hundred) Since my bush is basically numb I'm scared to go anywhere near it with clippers or a razor. My dad says it will take a year to fully get the feeling back :( My balance is not good enough to shave my legs so and I'm feeling like a wolf. I did, however make it to the salon to get my hair washed... after three weeks... my hair was so funky I could not stand it, but Jlo hooked me up.

I said all that to say that I am currently accepting gift certificates to Spa Phoenix :)

I gotta dick y'all!

2010-12-15T18:57:00.003-05:00

Kinda whack that it's white tho

My surgery involved a delicate disection of my bladder... as a result I temporarily lost the function of it and I've been fitted with a supra-pubic cathetor. That fancy word just means that instead of the tube coming out of my urethra, they cut a hole in my lower abdomen and I get to carry around the lovely piss purse pictured below. Ironically I always wondered what it would be like to have to stand up, aim, and shoot when I pee and I must say IT'S FUCKING OVERRATED!!!

So what I called you fat, look at me...

2010-12-14T13:59:00.002-05:00

Just thinking... I would gladly remove the "Pardon my dust" sign from my crotch for some Chipotle right now

The Re-birth of Slick

2010-12-12T00:44:00.000-05:00

So the hard part is over... surprisingly my body is healing much more slowly than my heart. I'm not ashamed to admit that part of my decision to have a child was because I wanted a love of my own. I'll explain... I was once much more open to the possibilities of romantic love. After living and hurting a bit more I decided that none of what I thought was reciprocity was real. I knew that I would never have to question the love of a child and that I would finally have something unconditional. So I had the most beautiful baby anyone could ask for and I thought that was all I would ever need. The past week of my life has taught me that I could not have been more wrong. I had such a huge paradigm shift that I wonder if this is the lesson I was suposed to learn. The hole that was left in my body has been filled ten fold with the love of my family and friends in my heart. I keep spilling over with tears because I know that my loving is not in vain. If I never fall in love with another man... I know that I don't have to have another baby to feel something real... it was there all the time... I was just looking in the wrong places for it.

As my stomach eats itself....

2010-12-01T20:49:00.000-05:00

FUCK JELLO!!!! .............That is all.

Same Ole Cee and Her Perfect Imperfections

2010-12-01T18:52:00.004-05:00

DenialAngerBargainingDepressionAcceptance
Denial.Anger.Bargaining.Depression.Acceptance.
Denial Anger Bargaining Depression Acceptance

In my heart, I know she will be ok. In her heart, she knows it too. But, there is no adequate response to take her pain away or lessen her fears. It simply takes time. I hope in time she remembers she is still all woman. She is lovable. The man who catches her will be lucky to have her. She is worthy of her dreams of happiness coming true.

Sex, knives, and Shaken Eight Balls

2010-12-01T01:14:00.005-05:00

Reality is setting in and I am overwhelmed with a million emotions. There is never a moment in my life when I'm not horny... I'm a grown up an I can admit that. ADIDAS ain't just a sneaker brand... More than I want to dry hump the shit outta random strangers, I'm really sad. I think about being barren and what that will feel like. I will never feel a baby moving in my womb ever again. I won't get to nurse, or have morning sickness, or get excited about my baby bump growing. It's funny, pregnancy used to scare me. I had a plan; I would meet the man I had been waiting for, fall in love and have more babies. Now I think, if I meet this man, I won't be able to give him a baby. And I feel inadequate. I know two days from now I will wake up with a gaping hole ~~in my heart~~. I will feel it inside and out. I wonder if the next man who sees me naked will be disgusted by my scar. Will I have to explain it... I desperately hope not. I wonder if I will ever be the same.

Nomenclature is a lost art

2010-12-01T00:30:00.003-05:00

Thanks to Kanye West I no longer have to worry about my hysterectomy... I'm just gonna start telling people I'm reupholstering my p*$$y

Dictionary Humor

2010-11-29T20:14:00.002-05:00

On occasion I have been known to be a bit of a braniac (pause). So my uber educated doctor has me all up in my head because of a small language faupaux. My oncologist keeps referring to my cancer as "vigilant". As I am a huge nerd (albeit a sexy one, but a nerd nonetheless), this sends my imagination into a frenzy as I picture my cancer dressed up like Robin Hood doing bad deeds in the name of good. Does my cancer wear a mask like Batman and have a cool utility belt? Does it belong to a band of mutants like Wolverine and have adamantium in its bones? Or maybe my cancer is like Wonder Woman with fly bangles and an invisible plane... I know I'ma dork. I think he means to say "virulent"... but since when do I correct people??? :)

The Silver Lining to My Cloud

2010-11-27T20:31:00.000-05:00

The Silver Lining to My Cloud from Cee Leezy on Vimeo.

The Smell of Latex in the Morning

2010-11-27T18:21:00.000-05:00

FYI... Having a sixty year old white haired Caucasian man you've just met shove his KY jelly covered finger up your ass is not as fun as it sounds... IMHO of course

Blasphemy

2010-11-27T17:49:00.000-05:00

Why is this happening to me?

A man who...

2010-11-27T05:15:00.000-05:00

I would like to preface this post by saying that I was truly elated when Cees announced, "I'm expected to make a full recovery." To me, she is more than a friend. We are reflections of each other. Our flaws, strengths, abilities and accomplishments echo between us. We are "nerds of a feather." So her brush with mortality has prompted me to analyze my own.

Until recently, I did not think death was real. My suburbanite mind told me that death only comes for the careless, the indigent and the elderly. Unfortunately, death comes for us all and not always when it is convenient.

If I were to die today, would my survivors have to fill my Eulogy with meaningless fluff and overly romanticized childhood memories... or could they tell truth?

Here lies a man who did just okay in school.
Here lies a man who had a mediocre job pressing buttons on a plastic box in a cubicle.
Here lies a man who accomplished nothing new nor groundbreaking.
Here lies a man who ignored his family and friends to accomplish tasks that no longer matter.
Here lies a man who did what everyone else was doing for fear of not belonging.
Here lies a man.

We've all heard the cliche, "Life is short." But does it have to be? We can live for an eternity in minds and hearts of all who were inspired by our words, works, and disposition. We can use our life to fuel the greatness of generations to come. We are the keepers of our family's legacy and the heroes in our descendants' history.

So if I should die before I wake, I pray that my survivors can say:
Here lies a man who is finally getting some rest after living an adventurous, fulfilling, and inspirational life.

We've got work to do Cees... let's live long and prosper.

Incessant Noise

2010-11-26T17:03:00.000-05:00

I... really... cannot... stop... thinking. I live in a perpetual state of over stimulation as it is. Coupled with the thought of someone tearing out my insides in a week I am way past all over the place. I want nothing more than to keep the parts of me they want to throw away. I stare at other people's children. Its really tough not to burst into tears when I see pregnant women. And everyone keeps telling me to be thankful that I already have a child... I don't wanna hear that shit. I'm a WOMAN and I wanna make babies. Aside from the fact that its my purpose in life, the sheer biology of being a female makes feel this way and I can't stop it. And to boot this bitch mother nature has ruined my last week of normalcy. Like really??? This is some bullshit.

Sugar Plum Fairies Don't Dance in My Head

2010-11-26T16:58:00.000-05:00

Not the sexiest thing in the world... or is it?

Juxoposed

2010-11-24T22:50:00.000-05:00

The part of my body that’s supposed to give life, now threatens to kill me...

What's in a name?

2010-11-23T21:41:00.000-05:00

You're now tuned into The Secret Life of Cees. Love that name??? There's a two fold reason for it. Firstly because Cee is one of my many aliases. And secondly because last week I was diagnosed with cervical cancer. I'm expected to fully recover but the news was quite a blow. I suppose its foreign to anyone when someone tells them they have a disease who's whole reason for being is to grow and spread and kill them. I decided to blog about my cancer mostly because its kind of hard to talk about. Everyone wants to know what's going on with me and although I am quite verbal I don't always feel like discussing the serious stuff. So now is as good of a time as any to give you a disclaimer about my writing. Sometimes it's more about me saying it than it is about you understanding it, thusly you may be confused by my posts. This is not a pity party, although I may say some things that make you cry. I generally do NOT mince words, and I'm known for my off color commentary so if you ask me anything I will give it to you as real as I know how. I want this to be an organic process so I'm not holding myself to any timelines. With that being said... talk to you soon!

-Cee